Why have you made this site?
'Caff' sounds rude and I'm offended - what should I do?
Please, please don't be offended! If you know how much I love caffs, and greasy ones in particular, then you would realise what an esteemed accolade it is. You're a unique feature in today's cloned high-street and for me this is why you stand out. Hope that makes it better!
How do I know if I'm in a caff?
I have constructed some sloppy criteria as follows...
We aren't classic cafe purists but the following are an enjoyable and added, optional extra:
Why should I patronise a caff?
Well if you want imperial sized, watered down, coffee off-cuts and food that they can only heat with an iron, then you carry on down to Costabucks - go on. It already possesses the strangling hold of a Russian Vine and should not be fed.
My caff is sacred and I don't want it exposed - what should I do?
I have added the caffs locations to give them an upper hand in such difficult times. However, I understand that to some their local caff is sacred and placing it on a map breaks strict, unwritten rules. So we have respectfully added an option to give the caff 'hidden gem' status.
To 'request a hiding', please provide us with an email, the caff in question and a cryptic clue for locating it otherwise. That way your caff will be safe from an invasion of hair-waxed twonks who don't really care.
Are you a hair-waxed twonk?
If there's a strong wind up, yes. I will apply a product to add weight and counteract flyaway hair.
Have you had a cholesterol test of late?
I should, and I know that's how Bruce Lee died [number 5 - Continental Grill], but I'd rather not scare myself with the truth. In my condition that could probably see me off...