Why have you made this site?

Either I'm:

• Greedy.
• Hungover.
• With child.

Or... I just love caffs.


'Caff' sounds rude and I'm offended - what should I do?

Please, please don't be offended! If you know how much I love caffs, and greasy ones in particular, then you would realise what an esteemed accolade it is. You're a unique feature in today's cloned high-street and for me this is why you stand out. Hope that makes it better!

How do I know if I'm in a caff?

I have constructed some sloppy criteria as follows...

• For me it's the food. Big ol' hearty fried fare. A caff will have its fryers set to stun, blazing 24/7, like a relentless frying machine.


• Chips and the frying of such should not be upon request. They should be the foundation of most of the meals, and a refusal of such will be met with a reaction like saying 'soy vegetariano' in Spain.


• All-day-breakfasts. Not breakfast-until-11:30-and-from-11:00-we'll-begrudgingly-serve-you-what's-been-left-out-since-then. This is the best meal the nation has, let's not hide it when the tourists land at lunch-time. Our clever caff serves its breakfasts all day.


• Hot drinks should be clear cut: tea or coffee. Shilly-shallying with frappucinos, hazelnut syrup and - Goodness Save Us - soya can only cause an identity crisis. Hot drink options, other than tea or coffee should be: milk or sugar. And when your drink arrives there should be a degree of difficulty in distinguishing which it is from its hue.
  
  NB: this does not include Bovril or Ovaltine.


• Asking about 'WiFi' should get you thrown-out and your Birkenstocks set fire to on the doorstep.

Of course these are just guidelines - as long as the caff you are in has a generous helping of the above [and you're tucking in to a fried belly-buster right now] then you can rest assured that you're in the right place. You probably can't see where you are as focus naturally goes from one's eyes to one's fodder.

We aren't classic cafe purists but the following are an enjoyable and added, optional extra:

• Slush Puppie machine
• Formica tables
• Booths
• Wood panelling
• Pencil caricatures of the owners
• Lady Di shrine

Why should I patronise a caff?

Well if you want imperial sized, watered down, coffee off-cuts and food that they can only heat with an iron, then you carry on down to Costabucks - go on. It already possesses the strangling hold of a Russian Vine and should not be fed.


My caff is sacred and I don't want it exposed - what should I do?

I have added the caffs locations to give them an upper hand in such difficult times. However, I understand that to some their local caff is sacred and placing it on a map breaks strict, unwritten rules. So we have respectfully added an option to give the caff 'hidden gem' status.

To 'request a hiding', please provide us with an email, the caff in question and a cryptic clue for locating it otherwise. That way your caff will be safe from an invasion of hair-waxed twonks who don't really care.

Are you a hair-waxed twonk?

If there's a strong wind up, yes. I will apply a product to add weight and counteract flyaway hair.


Have you had a cholesterol test of late?

I should, and I know that's how Bruce Lee died [number 5 - Continental Grill], but I'd rather not scare myself with the truth. In my condition that could probably see me off...